BDSM Blog Hop Post 1 – My Experience with Kink

Welcome to my contribution to the BDSM Blog Hop! Thanks to to Grace R. Duncan, for organizing the hop and encouraged me to participate. In a way, Grace has been instrumental in my kink development. Read on to see why, and to learn more about my journey in kink as a switch! And click the smiling button at the bottom of the post to check out the other blogs of people who are participating in the blog hop over the next week! Some are even offering giveaways!

First, a bit of an intro about the hop:

“We’re like the anti-50 Shades of Gray pro-BDSM blog hop.” – Vicktor Alexander

“Bondage & Discipline, Domination & submission, Sadism & Masochism

BDSM encompasses so many things. It’s understandable why someone who has never participated in it might be confused about what it truthfully entails. We’d like to set that straight. For every person involved in what we call the Lifestyle, there’s a different way of doing things. However, no matter where you go, you’ll encounter a few basic tenets and the folks who are participating in our blog hop would like to show you how some of these things really work. So, please join us!” – Grace R. Duncan

And now… about me. Throughout the post, I’ll sprinkle photos of some of the toys that my partner and I have accumulated over the last year and a half.

I’ve been into kink since before I knew much about it. Sexy fun times with a college boyfriend sometimes involved bondage with silk neckties that I pretended to keep to wear as belts. It was light, and it was fun, and I didn’t think much of it being anything other than ordinary.

Fast forward to 2010 and I got my first glimpses of BDSM fiction written by some authors who really knew what they were talking about. It was fascinating, and it was all kinds of sexy. One of those authors was Grace. I found her writings either in a group that interested me at an online writing and art community we frequented, or through mutual friends there, I can’t remember which. Whatever the case, I thoroughly enjoyed her portrayal of safe, sane, consensual BDSM between men, and was curious to learn more. She and I have had countless conversations about kink (and other topics) over the years since.

Most of our bondage toys

I joined a social website for kink-inclined folk (FetLife) at some point after meeting Grace, but didn’t do much on it for several years. I self-identified as a switch because sometimes I liked to be the one in control, sometimes I liked being the one being controlled (with consent, of course). I had all kinds of kinks I was interested in trying at some point, and discussed some of them with the person I was dating long distance at the time. We never got around to trying many things before the relationship ended in October 2012.

I think it was the beginning of 2013 that I got back into the kink website, doing a bit of reading and learning. In March, due to horniness but lack of desire for a relationship, I approached a friend from college for a friends with benefits arrangement, conveniently forgetting he was kinky. What I had originally hoped to be some no strings sex with someone I could trust turned into that plus a very fun learning experience about kinky play incorporated with sex.

I came into my local public kink scene soon after starting to play with my friend. It turned out another friend from college was in the scene, and invited me to my first kink party. It was at someone’s home, and I spent most of the evening chatting with people who were both new and veterans in the scene. And most of that time was spent with a smart, funny person who would become my boyfriend months later.

With my first several play partners, some of whom I had during the same span of time, I was always the bottom during play. I enjoyed receiving sensation play and impact. I liked being told what to do. I still had the tendencies of sometimes wanting to be in control, but the energy of the partners I had brought out my desire to bottom rather than top, so I was content with the arrangements.

 

Most of our sensation play toys

Note how I’m using Top and bottom rather than saying I’m a Dominant and submissive. I identify with the former set of labels rather than the latter. It’s a little tricky to explain, but I like what I call “D/s lite” – I’m not interested in the more serious forms of power exchange in D/s beyond my sexual and play activities. I have a healthy respect for power exchange relationships, provided the people involved are all consenting. I just don’t see my relationship that way.

That brings me to writing a bit about my relationship. Currently I am only partnered to one person, a wonderful man I met at that first party over a year ago. I occasionally play non-sexually (impact and electrical play, mostly) with friends, and I’m in a romantic relationship with my partner, who, to my great happiness, is also a switch.

When two switches are involved, things can get… interesting. If someone identifies solely as a Top, Dom, or Master and their partner a bottom, sub, or slave, it’s pretty clear who will be giving the floggings, tying the other up, or whatever they may be getting up to. With two switches, it’s never a given. Such is the case with myself and my boyfriend. On any given day, I’m more likely to want to bottom than top (sometimes I call myself a bottom-leaning-switch). He is slightly Top-leaning, but a bit more balanced than I am. To some it might seem to take away spontaneity or romance, but we’ve found the best way to make sure both of us come out of a scene satisfied is to ask the other if they’re in a more “Toppy” or “bottomy” mood, or “What kind of sexytimes are you up for?” We negotiate a little from there, then have at it.

Before exploring it myself, I wondered if when two switches got together, they ever switched mid-scene. For myself, that has only been the case once, and it was more like two separate scenes with a short break in between. It was a lot of fun to get to change headspace so quickly.

Most of our impact toys

Let me delve a little into the headspace involved in topping and bottoming. This holds true for me, and I don’t claim it to be the case for anyone else.

When I bottom, I willingly give control over and place my trust in my partner. Sure, I can tell him to stop or ease up on what he’s doing at any time (and have as necessary), but I trust him to respect my pre-negotiated limits and check in with me if I seem distressed. He is good at reading my body language and sounds to tell when he needs to take a few seconds to let me just breathe, and when he needs to do more, more, more of what he’s doing. When I’m being topped, I feel like I can let go, I feel safe and cared for. I don’t go into any sort of floaty subspace, from what I can tell, but I do lose myself somewhat when I’m bottoming. I become hyperfocused on my body and the sensations it’s receiving. I can still talk during  a scene (some people among those who hit subspace become nonverbal and their partners have to rely on physical cues). When I’m receiving pain, there’s a point in which it feels less like pain and more like pleasure, and I sort of relax into it and enjoy it immensely.After a scene, I like to cuddle for a bit, and have some water, but my needs for aftercare aren’t super high so even after an intense session I can usually get up soon after and go about my day.

When I top, my partner willingly gives control over and places his trust in me. I take this very seriously. As much as I enjoy making him react to pain and pleasure with all kinds of fun noises, I don’t let myself get lost in what I’m doing when I’m topping him. I pay attention to those sounds and his body language, to see if I need to ease up, if I can push harder, or keep at the same pace. If anything is unclear, I ask questions. I do get a rush out of being able to elicit reactions from him when I’m topping. It makes me a bit giddy. For aftercare, it’s much the same as when I’m bottoming, except he requires a bit longer transition period between the scene and getting up. And I’m happy to provide that for him.

It’s been a fantastic journey so far, to say the least. I’m still learning, and I’m sure I always will be. It helps to have access to a friendly community of kinksters of various knowledge levels who I can chat with. Some of the people I’ve met have become dear friends, and I’m grateful for what they bring to my life. As I mentioned before, I do some types of play with friends, and just bottomed for fireplay for the first time with a trusted friend last night. What a fun experience! I love that I can bond with not just my romantic partner, but also with friends through kink, whether through conversation or physical experiences.

I hope you enjoyed reading about my experience, and maybe learned something interesting. Feel free to leave comments or questions for me, and please check out the other posts on the blog hop by clicking on the button below! You could learn a lot and win some cool things!